So let’s be real. 2015 was a monstrous year. At least for me. Yes, I’ve learned and all that, but really does one have to learn in such awful circumstances and gruesome ways?
I started off with a bundle of issues carried from 2014, and I must say I was the one to blame for some of the problems that I went through at the start of that year. And honestly, when I started my fourth semester last year, I sort of gave up on trying to be a better person, for the time being. I don’t know, I had this resignation that maybe this is the person that I am and that I’m incapable of changing further.
As the semester went by, I came to discover a few things about myself:
1- I’m itching for change
And this meant that something within me still required my effort to be changed. Throughout that semester I evolved into a person who can pin-point faults very easily and very quickly. Which made me reflect a lot on myself with respect to the new habit that I’ve acquired.
2-I’m not ready for change
I had trouble buying a new laptop, a new phone, and that’s just on a shallow level. I’m very reluctant to let go of what makes me comfortable. Even though my laptop was becoming an antique piece and my phone wouldn’t stop crashing.. Every time someone recommended a new phone model, I wanted to cry. Because I’m THAT attached to what I have. And this meant that point number 1 was not in my cards.
3-I have no idea what I want to do in life
Yes, I had ideas for change, I wanted to see things get better around me, but I had no idea how I will contribute to this. One would think, “but you’re doing engineering, of course you’ll be an engineer. What’s the matter with you?!” Yeah well, how do you become a creative engineer, that’s the real question. Because to be honest, I must admit that I’m not the brightest person ever, and in a major like engineering, the ones who aren’t bright enough, don’t normally achieve much. Survival of the fittest sort of thing. So don’t they keep telling us that we’re talented? Is it too late to discover mine?
By the end of the Spring semester and the start of my Summer, things didn’t get better either. My previous posts are proof.
The Fall semester was by far my worst. And not only study-wise. Because like my colleagues, I was blessed with six incredibly unhealthy courses, and like a lot of students, I ranted about assessments and cited some study techniques. I was also shaken up by the death of one of my teaching assistants in a car accident, and it was one of the turning points in my life because he was one of the best people who taught me. A few days after his death, I learned that a very dear person to my heart was terminally ill.. Of course the stresses tugging at me during that time were uncountable, and I had no choice but to keep pushing myself forward through exams, projects, disappointing people and dealing with dissatisfying grades all at once. The number of times I was tempted to breakdown was way too high.
And as that awful semester went by I came to the following conclusions:
1- I still don’t know what I want to do in life, but I’m not going to worry about it anymore.
2- I want to learn to play a flute
3-I’m going to take a serious break from everything and everyone.
4- I’m indifferent towards many things in my life now, but the perfectionist in me hasn’t shaken despite that.
5- I’m never doing 18 credits again
6- I need to master public speaking
By the end of 2015, I had all the painful moments in my memory more than the happy moments. Which is why I decided that in 2016 I’m going to record all my happy moments and keep them to read at the end of the year.
However I just want to mention a few amazing moments in 2015 to end the post on a positive note.
1- Meeting Ahdaf Soueif in person and taking a picture with her.
2- Hamza Namira concert
3- Umm Kulthum puppet concert
4- Writing my novel plot summary
5- When I was announced senior writer for The Insider AUC
6- Finishing a beginner’s 8-week running plan
7- Walking all the way from Radisson Blu (Sheraton) to my house in Gesr el Suez on a winter evening because of the traffic.
8- Reuniting with my best friend after years.
9- Getting a henna that says (يا تموت و انت واقف يا تعيشش وانت راكع) like Ameer Eid
10- Getting a Kingsley pen for my birthday
11- Going to the Book fair for the first time in my life
12- Attending a creative writing workshop